Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
