My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
me + whiskey = a bad person
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
