My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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