is your mom at the bar?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
