dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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