Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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