respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
