Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
