My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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