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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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