Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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