I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
