I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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