Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
