tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies