First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot