Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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