please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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