I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
