I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
