I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
