Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
