On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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