I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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