I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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