im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
