i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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