just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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