Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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