What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
