he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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