If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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