It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
