You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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