I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
