He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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