You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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