Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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