I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
