I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
