The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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