just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
NoShamevember. You game?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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