it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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