i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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