Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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