I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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