I puked a lego.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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