a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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