seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
