Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
These tits shall not be calmed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
