Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Life is so much better after having sex.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
