yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
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Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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