Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
