doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
