A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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