He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
