you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
