Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
